Hey there Beautiful Soul,
Since I began this blog only a week ago now, I have made it my mission to become even happier than I am. Happiness has become a daily choice for me as I delve further + deeper than just gratitude + appreciation. Happiness has become my mantra, my spiritual soulful practice if you like. And it ain’t been easy.
Sure it sounds easy to say, but to actually do it, well it can really push you in ways I didn’t think would happen. Just these last few days I have had been tested again deeply + this has tested my own willingness to be happy.
I am going through what seems to be a break-up inevitably – a friendship break up (although it can feel like a break-down!) and it has deeply concerned me. There are lots of emotions running around and I will honour both of our feelings by simply skimming it just deeply enough for this to help you should you ever face a similar situation.
We all have our own passions + interests + a general vibe of who we are, and our nearest + dearest are the first ones to witness this. They witness the effect that it has upon you as a person + upon your life. So it’s natural when they see something going well for you that they should feel happy for you. But what if that happiness comes with a twinge of jealousy? What if suddenly you feel so put out of joint by your friends new-found happiness that you want a slice of the pie too? How do you get a slice of the pie from your friend without upsetting them + losing yourself in the process?
It’s no secret that I am Little Miss Sunshine amongst my clique + girlfriends, so the very fact that I am on a pathway to further + deepen my happiness is hopefully inspiring. I am pleased my friends want a slice of the happiness pie, + I am deeply honoured that my friend is feeling inspired by me. That was the idea. I wanted to create this chain reaction of happiness.
So what is the problem?
This is the million dollar question. Let’s say that my friend went for her slice of the pie – figuratively stolen a slice of pie from my plate without my permission, but instead of taking a slice she tried to take the whole pie + then pretend that she baked the pie herself! (I must stress that no pies have been harmed in this situation or in the making of this blog post!)
Naturally, this deeply upset me, + caused me great pain through the lack of honesty + the way she went about doing things. It’s not that she wanted the pie or even that she has a piece of the pie – it was the fact that I had once trusted my friend with some of my deepest secrets, pains, sorrows + joys. I have already forgiven my friend for gossiping about me to others a few years ago. I have attempted to build trust in her again, I’ve offered so many olive branches and desperately tried to carry on as normal. But the more it happens, the harder it becomes.
So, I have been feeling somewhat angry which is unlike me, I absolutely hate conflict of any kind, but I know that I could have handled this better. I know that I have handled it better this time around than I did the last few times it happened, but I could always do better. But I’m not going to brush my feelings + emotions under the carpet.
Therefore I’ve allowed myself to feel my feelings. I’ve felt rage, + anger, disappointment + disgust, sadness + hurt. But I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. So I asked myself what could I do to change this? How can I choose happiness instead? How can I feel peace + see this differently?
I had to be willing.
I had to be willing to let go of my pain, I had to be willing to choose happiness + peace. I had to become willing to see this differently. It’s not easy when you feel hurt + yes, as a human you feel that you are in the right. You both do.
There is a saying from Yogi Bhajan who brought Kundalini Yoga to the west and it’s one of his 5 sutras for the Aquarian age and he said;
Recognise that the Other Person is You
At first hearing this again last night made me blow the lid off my rage and I was on a full rampage of; “I have done nothing wrong, I’m nothing like her, I haven’t hurt anyone, I haven’t gone around stealing pie (OK I didn’t talk about pie – but for the sake of keeping this partially anonymous – I digress), I’m not the one pretending I baked it – yadda yadda yadda.
Then I exhausted myself. I was tired + fed up of my own persistent whining + I was getting nowhere. So I thought about how she is me.
We were both feeling angry, we were both feeling pissed off, we were both wanting to be right, we both felt that we were right + the other was in the wrong, we both felt justified in our arguments. OK, so, I can see how she is me. But I want peace. I want happiness.
I grabbed my journal I began free-writing using two quotes;
“I dish out compliments sincerely and liberally” and “I measure my success by how much I’m having fun”.
The first one had me cursing in a way that sailors would blush! How can I say nice things about her when she has done this?! I was off again. So I wrote it all down. I wrote down how I felt that this was impossible, and I wrote down how much I was struggling to think of nice things to say about her, but then there came a breakthrough.
‘Oh, I am so grateful she was a good friend at that time in my life + I could talk to her‘ Ahh there was a light – I could see something complimentary about her. This is good I though, so I carried on. ‘And when I felt I could trust her + tell her everything about my life‘ oh no – the crazy is back ‘ because I can’t effing trust her anymore + there is nothing nice about her right now‘ … I continued this process for about 2 pages of freewriting. It was exhausting which is why I am so glad I had a backup quote to riff on.
“I measure my success by how much fun I’m having”
Well I’m not having any fun with this right now I wrote. I’m not having fun in this friendship anymore. Fighting with you makes me miserable + I find myself less able to trust you now, because I feel hurt by what you said + did. I know I could have handled it all better + I could have behaved differently. But I didn’t then, but I am now. I am choosing to see this differently. I am ready to let go. I have tried but I am tired now. You always appear to be fully supportive of me if I have something going on in my life that equates to drama, but if my life is settled + I am OK then you stir up the trouble + I am done with it. I am done with this friendship, I think it’s served it’s purpose. I wish you well, + I hope you find happiness, but I am done.
And in that moment I was free. I felt less rage. I felt less affected by the situation. Don’t get me wrong I am still hurt by it, but I’m healing. I have no idea what will happen to our friendship – if we still have one. But one thing I do know is that I have done my best to weaken the drama, the rage + I am focused on my happiness. If our friendship does continue I have no idea how or what form it will take. I don’t know if I can trust her again. I forgive her, but I don’t trust her. Time will indeed tell. I had answered the question from A Course in Miracles that says; Do I want to be right or happy?
So, my advice to anyone going through this kind of situation –
Firstly just allow yourself to feel + think everything that is coming up for you.
Then try to see how the other person is you.
Then see how you can change your perspective – for your own inner peace + happiness.
Grab a journal (or piece of paper) and just write it all down, write it as if you are talking to them, get it all out on paper + see what conclusions you come to because you will find some clarity there if you dig deep enough.
I slept like a baby and woke up feeling free. The only ‘bad’ thing to happen to me today on Friday 13th was I got squirted with yoghurt as I opened it at lunch – but even then I laughed at myself.
I hope this has served you + apologies for it being a somewhat heavy post. More happiness next time,
Speak really soon,
Little Miss Sunshine