Hey Beautiful Soul,
It’s been quiet here at Pursue Happiness Now, + I have felt the urge to pop over, blog my little heart out but then something got in the way + alas I’m only just making it here.
Whilst everyone assumes I’m always this happy sunshiney person – I’m not. I try to be + 99.9% of the time I am. But sometimes, I get unhappy or stressed or worried + that’s because I’m human. So I’ve been secretly unhappy for a while now. I haven’t really told anyone, probably just a couple of people – gotta keep up appearances ya know! But something has changed. A few things actually.
Work has been an area causing major stress for me lately, + I’ve finally found a new job. Yay! Go Me! But with that new job comes lots of insecurities. For one I’m already thinking “Can I handle this?!” + “What if it all goes wrong and it crashes down?!”
Susan Jeffers famous for her epic book Fear The Fear and Do It Anyway (I think I may have mentioned it once before) says “Whatever happens, I’ll Handle It!” + I know this is true because we are all still here. We survived what we thought would be our own personal apocalypse. But still, it gets your tummy doing somersaults + your mind goes crazy!
I’m hoping this will be a new start for me. Even if it only ends up being temporary. I’m hoping it will be a boost to my flagging career path (how it feels), + also to my confidence which can be really low at times. I’ll tell you why. And this is also why I don’t feel ready to publically share my picture + use Stock Free images on my blog.
The last time I worked in this particular area of work of my new job was around 4-5 years ago now + it all came crashing down for me back then because I allowed someone to control me. My then boyfriend. He controlled everything I did, everything I wore, + would repeatedly tell me how lazy I was (even though I worked 8-4, four days a week, was on my feet all day) + that I should give up work stay at home + just sleep. He would tell me my hair looked a mess when I thought it looked nice, + he would tell me how ugly I looked when I cried + then laugh at me. It came to an end on my birthday after one final dig at me.
I was crushed. I knew I needed to be out of that relationship, + I am so glad that I got out when I did. I should have done it sooner, but it’s just important that I did it. I had counselling after telling my GP why I was feeling so upset. It was only then it that room when she took my hand + said, “Lottie, he’s been abusing you. Mentally + emotionally abusing you. You have done nothing wrong” that I finally cried deeply, + acknowledged that I had done nothing wrong. I had counselling, which was really hard and tiring – delving into your own pain is exhausting + can leave you feeling vulnerable. I had to think each day of 3 things I liked about myself – because I’d lost sight of who I was. He told me how to do my hair, what clothes to wear, what earrings to wear… so I had to learn how to basically dress for me again. I had such power choosing earrings he didn’t like, colours he told me he hated, + slowly, I took back my power.
I always thought that it would never happen to me, that I would know when a guy was trying to control me, + I would never let a man abuse me – I’d sooner kick him where it hurts. I said all this. I believed all this. But it still happened to me. It can happen to anyone.
Now, I left my place of work because he began stalking me, I as I didn’t want to go to court I the police wasn’t as heavy on domestic abuse back then – it was literally seen as a domestic + “let’s not get involved in relationship disputes” nothing really got done other than the “Leave her alone” chat. A police officer who was a husband of a work colleague told me that if it did go to court chances were his lawyer (my ex boyfriends) would get rather nasty + personal. I wasn’t ready for that. Not then.
He would get a kick out of seeing me unhappy, of looking angry, or walking past seeing him sitting in his car – then he’d drive off + park up watching from elsewhere. It took a couple of years before I had the courage to walk up to his car + literally bang on the car window + shout loudly for everyone around to hear what he’d done to me. My counsellor warned me it could happen – that one day I’d snap + get angry. I didn’t believe her. But in that moment, damn it felt good. And he lost his power over me.
If I see him now – + unfortunately I do still see the t*** occasionally, if I look at him I give him the “just try it you b*****d” look + smirk. He more often than not hangs his head in shame + doesn’t dare look at me. But more often than not I don’t even glance in his direction. I don’t let him know I’ve seen him. I don’t give him an ounce of power anymore. And he knows this.
So I left my place of work because of him because I was miserable there. I was crying at any time I could grab a few minutes to myself – toilets, in an empty room, the stock cupboard, walking from room to room… I would cry. So I left. I needed a fresh start. And now. I have another fresh start. Another chapter in my life. Another chapter to write. An adventure to travel. I’m nervous and excited. Worried yet happy.
But the most important thing I wanted to share was that NOW there is so much support out there for women + men who are survivors of Domestic Abuse, + you are all survivors. If you are currently in that position of suffering from Domestic Abuse I want you to tell someone. I know it’s scary. I know it’s hard. But you must tell someone.
You will be OK. There is life after abuse. I’m living proof. It’s a scary road ahead, but it’s far less scary than wondering what mood he/she will be in when you see them next.
Here are some helpful links;
I’m sorry it’s been a heavy post, but it was just so important that I share, that I try + help someone either by knowing that it’s OK to get help or by recognising the signs (links above give all the details).
Speak Really Soon,
Little Miss Sunshine,